On my heart.

We made it home from Boise after a quick whirlwind trip. Yesterday was a long day but the boys both did so well and were so easy to have around. Everyone got to enjoy them and of course Randee was a huge help with them at the funeral and the reception afterwards. The weather was so nice this afternoon that I packed a lunch for Colt, loaded the boys in the stroller, took a long walk and ended up at a park close to our house. We spent some time playing on the swings, running around the grass and going up and down the slides. I even let Colt hold Jax going down the really small one (which they both loved). After all the fun I put a blanket down and we sat on the blanket and had a small picnic of pb&j sandwiches, oranges, and pirates booty. Colt loved the whole idea of a picnic and was being so funny; smiling and making Jax laugh. It was such a fantastic afternoon spent with the boys and as I sat there and watched the two of them interact I felt a wave of peace and happiness come over me. In that moment I also felt a wave of sadness as well.

One of my best friends from college has a friend that lost her 5.5 month old son to SIDS last week, I did not know her but I had followed her blog a bit because we were both pregnant with our 2nd sons at the same time. When I heard what had happened it hit me like a ton of bricks because it dawned on me "that could have been my baby", I found myself holding my baby tighter that night and crying for someone I had never met and who probably does not even know I read her blog. I am not one to question God's ways but when I heard this awful news I did question why bad things happen to good people who live there life following God and never question Him. The truth is that nobody has the answers except Him and we are given one life on this earth and the only one who knows how long we will be on this earth is Him. I wish I had figured this out earlier in my life, maybe I would have cherished the last 28 years of my life a little bit more, maybe I would have worried less and read my bible more, maybe I would have spent more time talking to God and praying than talking about other people. My hope is that throughout the rest of my life I will do these things and with each waking moment I will remember how much He gave up for me.

This post is heavy and I didn't mean to share so much but so much has been on my heart lately. I will leave you with a picture of my youngest just to lighten up the mood!