Thursday, March 18, 2010

Letting go of control.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.- Matthew 6:34

I have mentioned before about the devotional book that my friend Julie gave me awhile back called "Jesus Calling." This book is truly amazing, I feel like it is changing the way I view life and my attitude towards it. Every morning before the kids wake up I try to have my own quiet time, its hard having to wake up at 5:15 every morning to do this and I almost always want that extra sleep but I know that I will go about my day feeling much better with a lighter heart if I take the time to do it. Most mornings that means I groggily walk downstairs, pour myself a cup of coffee and collapse on our love seat. The first thing I do is close my eyes and pray and as I do this I can feel my body slowly start to wake up, feeling God's presence as I talk to Him and pray. Then I open up my devotional book and find myself amazed over and over again that this book knows me so well, it knows just what I need to hear to keep me going each and every day. Taking one day at a time and living in the moment, in the present and leaving everything in His control.

I will be the first to admit that I do not always follow His ways, I can be rude to my husband, selfish, talk behind people's backs, putting my children before my husband or others before my family. Right now I am struggling with trying to follow the plan God has for me and my family. I want my husband to know I love him but yet I don't always show him that. It is easy, with young kids to get so caught up in caring for them that you forget your spouse. You forget that he was here first, the reasons you married him, the reason you fell in love with him. It can be hard for me to always express to him what I am feeling, how I am feeling, issues I am dealing with. Whether it may be about the kids, him, my work, my thoughts, I tend to not always be able to tell him what I am feeling. In turn I become distant, angry and seem upset for reasons that are real to me but not understood by my husband because I have not talked to him about it. I struggle with the freedom he has with his job and the things he gets to do while I am "stuck" all day at work, my kids are at daycare and when I do get home I will still have no moments to myself. Then again I feel like I can't complain to him about this because as he always says "isn't this what you always wanted, you wanted the kids and you always say you want to spend all your time with them." Which is true, I do want to spend all my extra time with them and I hate leaving them and I would give anything to be home with them everyday but in giving myself to them so much I have nothing left to give anyone else. Not my friends, not the rest of my family and most importantly not my husband.
My husband has always been the stronger one in our relationship, his faith was always rock solid, his morals were (close to) perfect, he is level-headed and always knows what to do in any situation, he gives awesome advice, he is financially smart, always doing things for me for no reason other than to show me he cares and he makes me feel like I am the best looking girl around. All these qualities are what made me fall in love with him and why I continue to love him every day. I wish I knew what it was that doesn't allow me to show that to him and to express that to him every day. I want our marriage to be unbelievable, I want us to raise our kids together and enjoy every moment of it, I want to do things together and have fun with it, I want to go to church every Sunday like its a normal part of our wonderful life instead of always fighting about if we are going to go, I want to be able to put him first, I need to put him first, I just don't know how...........

God, Please help me to remember to show my husband the love I have for him. I must show him more, I know what that takes Lord.

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