Monday, November 2, 2009

Happy and Nervous

I didn't know exactly how to title this post, but that pretty much sums up my emotions these past couple days. I guess starting with the is great, sure we have our ups and downs, sleepless nights, a 2 year old that doesn't always listen, a baby that may cry for no reason, struggles with different things but overall happy is what I feel everyday. Happy that my 2 year old comes into our room every morning before 6 asking for a banana and milk and only wants his mommy to get it for him, happy that we can lay in bed and watch cartoons while snuggling until 8 on a WEEKDAY, happy that I am the one that can provide food for my 5 month old baby, happy for the bonding and snuggling time I get while feeding him, happy that my husband is supportive of me staying home with our kids and tells me on a daily basis what a great job I am doing, happy that we have found a church that we both love and a growth group which is really helping us grow in Christ, happy that my kids will grow up with two sets of wonderful grandparents who love our kids as much as they love there own, and right now I am EXTREMELY happy that my sweet second born son is cuddled up on my chest and sleeping so peacefully (I may never put him down!!). Sooooo.......obviously I have a lot to be happy about and for the most part I know that happiness is a choice and when you are scared or nervous about something it helps to think about all the things that make you happy!

However, I also mentioned the word nervous. I am sure most of you already know I will be returning to work in less than 2 weeks, I realize that is still a little ways away but when I think of how fast the last 5 months have gone 2 weeks is going to fly by. Gone will be the days of snuggling in bed with Colt until 8, feeding him breakfast and getting to eat it with him, feeding Jax and bringing him back in to bed with me, mid-morning runs and park visits with my boys, lunchtime with my husband, play dates with good friends, helping Colt learn his letters and numbers everyday before lunch, feeding and snuggling with Jax while Colt is napping and of course the list could go on but the more I write the more I cry so maybe I should stop with that. But none of that relates to why I am nervous....I am nervous that I can really do it all. Can I really get up at 5 every morning, get the kids and myself ready for the day, drop the kids at daycare, get myself to work, teach all day, pick the kids up, make dinner, playtime, bath time, story time, bedtime.....can I really do all of that well??? Will I still have time for my husband or will I turn into that stressed out, crabby, grouchy person that I become when I have not had enough sleep and have too much to do. If you know me well you know I don't like a messy house, I never leave the dishes on the table after dinner, I pick up the entire house before I go to bed every night, I like to make all the beds before I leave for the day every morning, I hate it when laundry builds up, I have to workout almost daily or I get really crabby and on top of that I do not do well on no sleep. Sure I can get by on no sleep right now because I am home all day, I can always catch a nap when the kids nap, or lay around and relax instead of taking the kids somewhere for the day but once I get back to work the thought of all this is just overwhelming and this nervous ball forms in my stomach (kind of like the feeling I used to get before running the 400 meter race in track in high school!). I know I need to give some of it up, I need to accept my house a little messier, accept the fact that I may not get to workout everyday, accept the fact that maybe the kids don't need a bath every single night but I have never been very good at accepting less than what I expect from myself. I am also very nervous about returning to my job, meeting my students for the first time and getting back in a routine with them. I have been gone for awhile it feels like I will not even remember where to start (though I am sure once I get back on a schedule it will seem much easier). So to sum it up I am very very very NERVOUS!!!

I didn't write this post to gather sympathy or even encouragement but rather just as a record for me of things that have been going through my head recently and things I want to remember in 2, 5, and 10 years. I know I can do this, I know I can still be a good mom, good wife, good daughter and good friend while working and having a family but I also know after having the last 5 months off of work that I am a much better mom, wife, friend, daughter when I can spend all my time focusing only on that. To me there is no job more important than being a mother and this time when they are little and need me 24/7 will soon come to an end. If all goes as planned I will return to work in November and finish the school year, after that who knows for sure but Dave and I are hoping that it works out for me to spend the next couple years at home raising my boys and taking care of our home. Until then I am trying to really really enjoy these last 2 weeks and savor every activity I do with my boys. It will not be long before both of them no longer feel they need me around all the time and I don't want to miss a minute of the time I have with them right now.


Mo's blog said...

I so feel for you Carolyn. You're faced with a tough time and your heart pulls you in too many directions. The fact that you are aware of who you are and your strengths and are willing to talk about it and be open about it means you're going to be great. You can do anything for 7 months. It may seem like an eternity now, but your kids will never forget who their mom is, and will always be proud of how great you are.

The Price Family said...

Oh Care I thought I was going to cry reading your post. I had/have all of those same feelings, especially last year when I was working, you always feel like you can't do everything 100%. So yes it is okay to let some things go, and just remember work is work, your family comes first. 7 months, you can do it! I wish everyday that we lived closer, although our nice long conversation this morning really made my morning. Miss you a ton, love ya!

Rach said...

My first though was not an insparationol one. Im sorry. My first though when I read the comment about you feeling as nervous as you used to before the 400 in HS was holy crap I hope shes not in the bathroom all the time. HAHAHA Sorry Care but it was :)

posted by the Bogdanoff family said...

I am just like you! I have to do it ALL and I just can't let things go. However I did recruit my husband this year and that has been a HUGE help to me. Just that he does a couple of the chores takes a load off my plate! If I can do it, you can do it for sure!! At least as teacher we get those holiday breaks during the year!